Fries and Floppy Discs

One of my favorite lines from Roxie is one I didn’t write myself. It is borrowed from the book of Proverbs and reads, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” While I use it in the context of overcoming disappointment, it also doubles as another lesson. It is one of the hundreds of lines scattered throughout the Bible that refer to one of our most challenging obstacles: the need for patience. Just when does a situation require patience? When does it call for urgency? This has been an internal battle for me my whole life. Patience vs. urgency. Urgency vs. patience. And why do I feel that urgency usually wins?

A month ago, I came across a strange little box in my bedroom closet. The box was beige and plastic, with a flip-up lid hinged to the back. Within I found something I hadn’t seen in a while, that many of us haven’t – a collection of old floppy discs. One was labeled “Music,” another “Property of LTHS.” A third simply read, “Disc 24,” an ominous and cryptic title that could double as a perfect name for a horror film or a heavy metal album. A sense of urgency welled up and I immediately wanted to know what was on these discs. But without access to a computer circa 2002, I had to remain patient.

Yesterday, I picked my oldest boy up from school. He joined his brothers in the back seat of my truck and, with nothing else planned, we started to drive home. Just then, I had an epiphany. For some reason, I was reminded of that little box full of discs and that sense of urgency kicked in. I decided we’d go to the electronics store and find out if there was a device I could purchase that would help me discover what was on the discs. I told the boys we were going someplace they’d never been before and they got excited. They begged for clues. “It’s inside,” I conceded. “Are there games there?” they asked. “Maybe,” I surrendered, not really sure myself. “What’s the place called?” they asked. I thought about it. “Fry’s,” I admitted, figuring that wouldn’t help them much. “Fries!?!?” they exploded. “Fries!?!?” The two older boys blew up in laughter as the baby chuckled along, trying his best to fit in. Something about going to a place called “fries” delighted them in such a way that I felt the urgency to get there as quickly as possible, yet patiently continued to drive, quietly enjoying their amusement.

With the help of a salesman, we found the device almost immediately. He joked about my need to access floppy discs and I just smiled. I handed the item to the baby and he grabbed onto it for the remainder of our visit, clutching onto his prize with glee as he rode along in the cart. My oldest asked me what the product was and I patiently tried to explain it to him, but didn’t get very far. He settled for a hazy understanding and moved on to the television aisle. We marveled at the clarity of the new TV screens, as none of us had ever seen anything quite like them before. We moved on to the games, the audio section, the appliances, the boys urgently asking questions about this product or that, while I patiently tried to describe them all. They patiently asked me to purchase things for them and I urgently denied their requests.

The rest of the evening was filled with the urgency that accompanies any weeknight. Doing homework, making dinner, packing lunches for tomorrow, driving to and from karate practice, battling through the nightly trifecta of baths, books and bed. When it was all done, I finally exhaled. As I prepared for bed myself, I thought back to the urgency/patience debate. Maybe patience is overrated, I thought. After all, it was the urgency to get the discs that had led to such an enjoyable father/sons experience at Fry’s Electronics. It was urgency that had completed all the tasks of the evening routine that couldn’t have occurred if patience had gotten in the way. Maybe I’m just an urgent type of guy, I considered. After all, I’m busy…with a stressful life. I couldn’t accomplish all that I need to without a sense of urgency. Urgency isn’t so bad, is it?

I turned the light off and began to close my eyes, having settled the debate for good. The Bible clearly had overemphasized the need for patience.

But just as I was beginning to drift off, I realized something else – with all the urgency of the day, I’d forgotten to check out what was on those discs! In a haze, I reached for my laptop and the device I’d purchased. I went to my closet and dug out that old beige plastic box. And one by one, I went through the discs. Most of them contained nothing, some had files my modern laptop didn’t even recognize, others had some old essays and projects I’d typed out for school nearly twenty years ago.

But then there was Disc 24. It contained all sorts of files, most of which I had no recollection of ever creating. As I scanned their titles, somewhere down near the bottom of the list, one jumped out at me. Roxie. I had no idea the original existed. I thought I had erased it. It had last been updated in 2001, sixteen years ago. Apprehensively, I clicked on it and, as new technology competed with old, it took a few seconds to load. When it did, the formatting was all screwed up, just a series of blocks and ampersands and exclamation points. But as I scrolled down, the original book was all there. I read it over and memories of typing it trickled back. Suddenly, I could remember that time so vividly, as if I were still there in my dorm room punching letters on my keyboard, dreaming big, bigger than I’d ever dreamt before. I recalled that period of creating my masterpiece and the urgency with which I had crafted the story. I’d planned on writing it in only a few months. New York City publishers would be urgently battling one another for a chance to publish it. It was urgent that I became famous, a world renowned author before the age of 20. It was urgent that I’d be a hero across campus, a genius amongst the student body.

It was all there, right before me, the original shell of what would later become my first published novel, the early stages of my lifelong accomplishment…But there was one other thing I noticed about it, more important than all the rest.

It was terrible. I can’t even come up with the words to describe how terrible it was. When I say it was terrible, it was beyond comprehension terrible. The story was similar, I guess, but in the way a humpback whale is similar to a flea. Both living creatures, I suppose. The story did jump back and forth between Baltimore and Roxie, but that’s where the similarities ended. The language was so babyish, the descriptions fell so flat, the dialogue was just…awful. I was embarrassed that I’d ever created such a thing, that I ever thought it was even mildly good. I made the decision right then and there that no other human would ever see it. Not even my wife. It will only live on in memory for me as well, as Disc 24 has since been destroyed.

Ultimately, I closed the top of my computer and started climbing back into bed. I began to drift off again when another thought came to mind. Sixteen years have come and gone since I last touched that file. In sixteen years Roxie went from that miserable little creature I’ve described above to a full length, beautiful novel that is now receiving such good reviews. I’ve been commended for the language, the descriptiveness, the strong and believable dialogue, all the things so lacking from its initial attempt. Sixteen years. There are a lot of factors attributable to the book’s turnaround. I’m older now. I’m wiser. I’m well read. But above them all, there is one that proves more important than all the others, one that I guess I’d had all along...

Patience.